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18 August 2007 @ 11:29 pm
Title: Lights Will Guide You Home
Author: loudxmusic
Challenge/Prompt: cuddy_fest's 95th prompt: Cuddy dies. Written from her POV.
Fandom: House, M.D.
Genre: Angst, romance
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: None.
Character/Ship: House/Cuddy
Disclaimer: I am in no way affliated with David Shore, the FOX network, or House, M.D in any other way. No infringement is intended.

Dying really is the hardest thing a person can do. In my opinion, it would be better to be shot point-blank in the head rather then going through the whole process of dying, from cancer or something. Like me.

It’s really quite boring. You’re practically chained to a god-forsaken hospital bed until you die, which could take months, years, even. Sometimes you wish you could just fucking die already, so you would have no more pain, no more suffering, no more medication, no more doctors, no more nothing. You’re just… Gone.

And other times, when you’re lying awake in the middle of night, with nobody but yourself to talk to, the slow, obnoxious beep of the heart monitor keeping you from drifting off to sleep, even for a moment, it’s scary as hell. Your thoughts race so quickly that you can actually feel your heart skip a beat every now and then. You wonder if anybody will feed your cat, or if they will forget over time. You panic over who will be there when you finally go or if it will be painful. And on that first or second night of the loneliness, you being to loose all faith in any god you ever even remotely trusted. Because if he loved you, this never would have happened.

I knew today would be the day. My treatment was always discussed in my presence. Wilson knew I could handle it. But today, when he entered my room, he didn’t look at me. He always looks at me. He didn’t even say anything. Wilson just took my only family member who was there, my younger sister, Michelle, outside. I bet he told her that I’m toast, because she came in, kissed me, told me she loved me, and left. Apparently she can’t wait ten minutes. Selfish bitch. She can’t break down, so she left. Michelle never cries, she never breaks down. I’ve told her a million times that it’s okay to do so, but she never would listen to me.

It doesn’t really matter anymore. God, I’m sweating like hell. I barely have the energy to kick these damn blankets away. Dying should be more accommodating.

The blankets are off my legs and I clearly didn’t do it. So either Michelle came back or I’m dead. Fuck.

As I turn my head, he’s standing there. “What are you doing here?” God, I sound like shit. When was the last time I spoke? Two days ago? Three?

“It was tow days ago. I brought you a raspberry slushie.”

He read my expression so easily. This shouldn’t surprise me, but it does.

“I’m dying,” I manage to rasp out.

“I know.”

I notice his cane is leaning up against my bed. That means he plans to stay until it’s over.

I smile, sort of, and feel my lips crack as I do. “House,” I whispered. I can feel it. I can feel myself slipping. His hand is on my forehead, it’s cold, he brushes away my hair.

“Yes?” he replies.

I can hear tears in his voice. Never before have I seen him cry. I can’t believe that I’m making it happen. I’m glad I am, even though I shouldn’t be. I want him to remember me, I want him to feel something, anything.

I hear his voice, but I’m not listening hard enough. It’s far away, and then, nothing.


I’ve been watching him for some time now. Not as a ghost and sure as hell not as an angel, but as something. I’m not undead, because that’s just weird, but I am something.

It’s not really describable. I can see him, but he can’t see me, obviously. It’s a very interesting experience that I never really expected.

You don’t know what to expect after you die, so I’ve learned. I thought that once I was dead, I was dead. I’d have no thoughts, no emotions, no nothing.

That is clearly not the case.

I see House, I see him everywhere. Wherever he goes, I’m right there with him. When he’s working on a case, when he’s watching TV, when he’s lying in bed fast asleep, I’m there.

That’s what we’re doing right now. Well, he’s asleep, I’m sitting at the foot of his bed, watching him, just like I do every night.

House visits my grave a lot. Way more then I expected him to, actually. And he always leaves a white rose, my favorite flower. I don’t know how he knows that, but even now, he continues to surprise me, just like he always had.

I have a feeling he’s not sleeping. His back is faced to me, so I can’t tell.

When he rolls over, I jump. God, what the hell?

At least I know he’s awake.


I am so terrified to hear him speak. To address me. Even at my grave, he says nothing, but now, in bed, he does.

“I know you can’t hear me.”

“Yes, I can.”

Oh my God. I said that out loud. I cannot believe I just did that. If there was anything such as luck, he wouldn’t hear me.


Holy shit.

I watch as he sits up in bed and I don’t dare to say another word.

“Cuddy?” he repeats, this time with a bit more emphasis in his voice.

“Yes?” I say softly.

He’s looking right at me now. The room is too dark to see the expression on his face, but I know he can see me.

“You- I… How can- you’re dead!” I can’t help but smile as he stumbles over his words.

“I… Don’t know,” I finally say.

I hear him fumble for the lamp and suddenly the room his painfully illuminated.

Neither of us speak.

His hand goes to my cheek and stupidly, I flinch.

“You’re really there,” House whispers. His hand is as cold as it was the last time he touched me.

“I am,” I state simply.

Placing my hand around his wrist, I carefully bring his down to my lap.

“I miss you,” he says in reply.

Suddenly, his arms are around my neck and my head is to his chest. Contrary to his cold hands, his embrace is gentle and warm. I hear muffled cries coming from his as he holds me tighter.

I cannot remember the last time I felt so appreciated by him. Loved, even. Never had he showed that much love for me in all the years I’ve known him. He’s always been Mr. Ass, Mr. Show-No-Emotion. But now… It was a totally different story.

“House,” I say finally, breaking our embrace. I can catch my reflection in his eyes as I speak. “You have to let me go.”

“What?” he asks, confused and probably still a bit dazed from the whole experience.

“I mean, you need to let me go. You need to stop obsessing over me. You need to move on.”

“I… Can’t,” he chokes out, as if it were a confession.

“It doesn’t mean forget me,” I explain. “It just means that you need to move on. I’m gone, I’m dead, I’m not coming back. It’s just something you have to accept. I have to be part of your past, not your future.”

“But-“ he begins to argue, and then, it hits me. I really should have thought of this earlier, but it hadn’t even begun to cross my mind. House really is the only person that hasn’t moved on, and it’s because he liked me… And never got to say so. I think I made the same mistake and that’s why I’ve been watching him. I can’t let him go, just like he can’t let me go.

“Goodbye, Greg,” I say softly, standing up from the bed and walking towards the door. I want to turn before I leave, but I know that will only keep my there longer. I have to let him go, too.

The only reason I waited in his living room for him to wake up is so I could see if he really would follow through, if he really would let me go.

I know he’s awake when I hear the clatter of Vicodin pills clank around in his bottle.

He calls my name. This was expected.

“Cuddy? Cuddy, are you here?”

I want to call back to him more than anything and tell him that I’m here and that it’s going to be okay. But I can’t.

“Cuddy?” he calls again, walking right past me. “Lisa?”

I don’t answer. I can’t answer.

He doesn’t call again. Instead, he takes the half-full vase of white roses that sits on the coffee table and dumps them out the window, onto the sidewalk below.

I smile. I’m proud of him. With a tiny hesitation, I walk out the front door without a sound.

After nearly a year, House has finally let me die.
forensicirulan on August 19th, 2007 06:57 am (UTC)
That was painfully beautiful. <3
[not your late-night booty call]: camcurlrainbowjumpsuit on August 19th, 2007 08:10 am (UTC)

and it was beautiful. And sad. Totally well-written and amazing. You're very talented!
loudxmusicloudxmusic on August 20th, 2007 01:58 am (UTC)
OMG, FOR SERIOUS? So basically I feel awesome right now. I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT. <3
GORGEOUS GEORGINA: cuddy smile (insensitive)elphie84 on August 19th, 2007 11:53 am (UTC)
Wow.I have to confess it's the first fic I read in a while and after this I surely wonder why....it's very well written and so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

Not as a ghost and sure as hell not as an angel
That is so like Cuddy :) Very beautiful.
loudxmusicloudxmusic on August 20th, 2007 01:59 am (UTC)
Wow, thanks. :) Glad you liked it so much!
kozmicblues on August 19th, 2007 01:39 pm (UTC)
aww, so heartbreaking and brilliantly written
ex_bluebonn on August 19th, 2007 01:55 pm (UTC)
Dying should be more accommodating.

That sentence alone was fabulouse. The entire fic was great. Well done; thanks for sharing.
The keeper of lonelinesswanderlonely on August 19th, 2007 03:35 pm (UTC)
::bears hugs Cuddy and House::
tasha svetabitingbedbugz on August 19th, 2007 05:18 pm (UTC)
D= D= D= D= D=

I'm crying. So. Beautiful. -sobs-
loudxmusicloudxmusic on August 20th, 2007 05:37 pm (UTC)
Wow, thanks!
mcsunshine: house: house/cuddy; ray of sunshinetheroomstops on August 19th, 2007 05:34 pm (UTC)
That's beautiful! So angsty, and so unrealistically realistic. House wouldn't know what to do without Cuddy. Pretty, pretty fic.
loudxmusic: {HOUSE} Cuddy ; Love is the rythmloudxmusic on August 20th, 2007 09:20 am (UTC)
and so unrealistically realistic./i>

THANK YOU. That was what I was going for.
jumping umbrellas live in action.: colors seem to fade [Cuddy]the_vintage on August 19th, 2007 10:39 pm (UTC)
Oh my god. That was so beautiful. *cries* You capture both House and Cuddy perfectly.
loudxmusic: {HOUSE} Cuddles ; ORLY? ;loudxmusic on August 20th, 2007 09:19 am (UTC)
Wow, thanks! I really appreciate the comment! :)
Yushikabane_mai on August 21st, 2007 09:31 am (UTC)
You know, this is one of those stories that are oh-so well written but oh-so f*cking sad to read. It's really painful and yet at the same time so amazing. You get what I mean? I loved how you didn't leave it off even after Cuddy died and instead had her still there. The ending line was my favourite because it showed how much House wouldn't let go of her even though she actually died in physical form. And only one year later, did he actually accept the fact that she truly died (though she will always remain in his heart forever!).
restless tonight: house - cuddy - tearsmiss_fancy on August 22nd, 2007 09:41 am (UTC)
I don't normally read fic...but...omg. This was beautiful. I'm sitting here bawling. Amazing.
wild with hopelissie_pissie on August 27th, 2007 12:38 pm (UTC)
oh my god. i've never thought seriously about what would happen to them both if they died.

♥ ♥ ♥
lhoma on October 29th, 2007 11:32 pm (UTC)
Wow, I just learned about cuddy_fest fiction. This is my very first Cuddy story and I loved it. Very moving.
remora24 on August 20th, 2008 12:41 am (UTC)
it`s so sad and amazing i can`t help crying
Meredith: House and Cuddy - bedsidexfirefly9x on March 8th, 2009 05:50 am (UTC)
*sniffs* Hauntingly beautiful.